- Oh, Felicia, where the f**k are we?
(Terence Stamp, The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert)
- Look at my hand!
(Kevin Kline, In&Out)
- Do you know what fallen women are?
- Women who have tripped?
- No...much worse...
- Women who have broken their legs?
(Michael Palin and Phoebe Nichols, The Missionary)
- Why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
- I want to have babies.
- You want to have babies?!?!?!
- It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
- But you can't have babies.
- Don't you oppress me.
- I'm not oppressing you, Stan --
you haven't got a womb. Where's the fetus going to gestate?
You going to keep it in a box?
(Eric Idle & John Cleese, Monty Python's Life of Brian)
- Morning, gentlemen.
- Morning Mr Pycroft.
- Very impressive. What are you doing this morning?
- It's a birth.
- And what sort of thing is that?
- Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
- Wonderful what we can do nowadays. Ah! I see you have the machine that goes 'Ping'.This is my favourite. You see we lease this back to the company we sold it to. That way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account. [They all applaud.] Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.
(Michael Palin, John Cleese and Graham Chapman, Monty Python's The Meaning of Life)
- Camelot!
- Camelot!
- Camelot!
- It's only a model...
(Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Michael Palin and Terry Gilliam, Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
- Suck my dick!
(Demi Moore, G.I. Jane)
- You can't fight here; this is the War Room!
(Peter Sellers, Dr. Strangelove)
- Do you know the difference between brown-nosing and ass-kissing? Depth perception...
(Mark Metcalf, Hijacking Hollywood)
- She's deaf, not a homicidal maniac!
(JoBeth Williams, After the Silence)
- What are you? CIA, maffia?
- Both.
(The Man Who Knew Too Little)
- Hey, gorgeous! What're you doin' when you're not serving up mad cow burgers in 'ere, eh?
- Well now then, let me see... I get up at around 7.30 AM, make and deliver sandwiches in the West End before I come here about six o'clock and finish at midnight. After that, if I've got any energy left, I give my boyfriend a blowjob. Would you like some mayonaise with that?
(Sliding Doors)
- You look rough, mate!
- I feel rough. Very rough. Very low, too. Very, very low.
- Have a cup of tea.
- I'm too low for tea.
- Coffee, then.
- No, lower.
- Well, you've already had a biscuit!
(Bring Me the Head of Mavis Davis)
- Would you please kill those bastards?
(Jonathan Pryce, Tomorrow Never Dies)
Boss: - Is that your blood?
Narrator: - Some of it, yeah.
(Fight Club)
- This is Admiral Bates speaking. I am trying to get a hold of Chief Ryback. Is he about?
- He is in a gunfight right now. I'm gonna have to take a message.
(Andy Romano and Erika Eleniak, Under Siege)
- Could I drive?
- No!
- Then would you?
(Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton, Twister)
- Excuse me, I have to go die now!
(Drew Barrymore, Never Been Kissed)
- Carla, Carla...
- I'd prefer it if you didn't use my name.
- What do you want me to call you? Timmy?
(Robert Downey, jr. and Heather Graham, Two Girls and a Guy)
- I've got grass...grass...grass in my ass!
(Goldie Hawn, The Out-of-Towners)
- Why did the bullet come out of the wall?
- To get to the other side?
(Glenn Close and Randy Quaid, The Paper)
- General, with all due respect, f**k you, sir!
(Dustin Hoffman, Outbreak)
- Carpe dentem! Seize the teeth!
(Robin Williams, Mrs. Doubtfire)
- Would you mind not shooting at the thermo-nuclear weapons?!
(John Travolta, Broken Arrow)
- Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-detardent chemicals? No wonder you're single!
(Alan Rickman, Dogma)
- Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're speaking to themselves.
(Alan Rickman, Dogma)
- Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out.
(Alan Rickman, Dogma)
- I have a mole?
(Richard Lewis, Robin Hood: Men in Tights)
- Oh, darn...
(Tim Allen, Galaxy Quest)
- Hey, guys...there's a red...thingy moving toward the green...thingy... [...] I think we're the green thingy...
(Sam Rockwell, Galaxy Quest)
- Would you possibly not try to hit every single one?
(Alan Rickman, Galaxy Quest)
- Look! I have one job on this lousy ship; it's stupid, but I'm gonna do it, ok?
(Sigourney Weaver, Galaxy Quest)
- Excuse me, I have to go pray.
(Alan Rickman, Bob Roberts)
- You knew Christ?
- Knew him? That brother owes me 12 bucks!
(Linda Fiorentino & Chris Rock, Dogma)
- Anyone who isn't dead or is from another plane of existence, would do well to cover their ears...right about now.
(Alan Rickman, Dogma)
- What's he like?
- God? Lonely, but funny. He's got a great sense of humour. Take sex, for example. [...]
- Sex is a joke in heaven?
- The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too!
(Linda Fiorentino & Alan Rickman, Dogma)
- Could they be the miners?
- Sure, they're like three years old.
- Miners, not minors.
- You lost me.
(Alan Rickman and Tony Shalhoub, Galaxy Quest)
- You've died, and you're still into party politics?
(Juliet Stevenson, Truly, Madly, Deeply)
- You're telling me there are dead people in my living-room, watching videos?
(Juliet Stevenson, Truly, Madly, Deeply)
- Parents alive, Gloucestershire, teachers, him Geography, her History, so holidays it would be "Dad, where are we?" and "Mum, have we been here before?"
(Juliet Stevenson, Truly, Madly, Deeply)
- Can you come and get me?
- Err...no, I can't. Sorry.
- Oh, ok.
- Because, actually, I don't know where you live!
(Juliet Stevenson & Michael Maloney, Truly, Madly, Deeply)
- Well, f**k me sideways...
- What, here?
(Alan Rickman & Emma Thompson, Judas Kiss)
- He has a wife, you know... Do you know what she's called? Incontinentia... Incontinentia Buttocks.
(Michael Palin, Monty Python's Life of Brian)
- Please, captain! Not in front of the Klingons!
(Leonard Nimoy, Star Trek V)
- So I smoked some pot, is that a crime?
- Uh-huh!
(Renée Zellweger & Richard Jenkins, Me Myself & Irene)
- Let's play ball!
(Robbie Coltrane, Nuns on the Run)
- You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're smart, you've got...wonderful bones, great eyes and you dress really interesting.
(Kevin Kline, A Fish Called Wanda)
- Well, thank you for popping in and protecting us!
(Maria Aitken, A Fish Called Wanda)
- Don't call me stupid!
(Kevin Kline, A Fish Called Wanda)
- In the b-b-b-b...lavatory.
(Michael Palin, A Fish Called Wanda)
- You dare to speak to an officer like that, and I'll scream the place down!
(Denis Quilley, Privates on Parade)
- When your clothes are off, your body's all over the place. I can't keep track of it.
(Michael Caine, Little Voice)
- No, but here we are, we're all thinking "my God, we open tomorrow," we've only got two weeks to rehearse, we don't know where we are, but my God, here we are!
- That's right, sweetie, isn't that right, Lloyd?
- Beautifully put, Garry.
(John Ritter, Carol Burnett & Michael Caine, Noises Off (the movie))
- Lloyd, let me just say one thing, since we've stopped. I've worked with a lot of directors, Lloyd, some of them were geniuses, some of them were bastards, but I've never met one who was so totally and absolutely...I don't know.
- Thank you, Garry, I'm very touched. Now, will you get off the f**king stage?
(John Ritter & Michael Caine, Noises Off (the movie))
- I have no interest in your body, mr. Boon. I can assure you of that.
(Sir Ian McKellen, Gods and Monsters)
- How fery amusink.
(Lynn Redgrave, Gods and Monsters)
- Peggy, you know what a penis is. Stay away from it!
(Barbara Harris, Peggy Sue Got Married)
- Today my jurisdiction ends here.
(John Cleese, Silverado)
- Which of these instruments do you play?
- Bull fiddle.
- Oh, fascinating! Do you use a bow, or do you just pluck it?
- Most of the time, I slap it!
(Joe E. Brown & Jack Lemmon, Some Like it Hot)
- Water polo? Isn't that terribly dangerous?
- I'll say; I've had two ponies drown under me.
(Marilyn Monroe & Tony Curtis, Some Like it Hot)
- I am very, very sneaky, sir.
(John Turturro, Mr. Deeds)
- You like kids?
- Never saw the point of 'em.
(Philip Seymour Hoffman & Rebecca Pidgeon, State and Main)
- Wait! Are you really a priest?
- Of course!
- But...I mean...aren't you supposed to be straight and...and...and celibat?
- Maybe you didn't hear me; I'm a Catholic priest.
(Steven Weber & Nathan Lane, Jeffrey)
- Do I like Jell-o?
(Peter Gallagher, While You Were Sleeping)
- Next time you talk to yourself, tell yourself you’re single, and end the conversation.
(While You Were Sleeping)
- It's too much f**king nature in this country. It gives me the creeps.
(Lena Headey, Aberdeen)
- Just great. Parents lend us their kids, and we drown them.
(Richard E. Grant, Spice World - the Movie)
- You know, the funny thing is on the outside I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook.
(Tim Robbins, The Shawshank Redemption)
- Well, my idea was, you know, I just want a name, I want one that could cut glass, you know, razor sharp.
- Razor sharp.
- Yeah, when I close my eyes I see this thing, this big sign, and the name is in like bright blue neon lights with like purple outline and this name, it's just so bright and so sharp that the sign just blows up because the name is so powerful. It says "Dirk Diggler."
(Mark Wahlberg & Burt Reynolds, Boogie Nights)
- Right. So don't tell me, the offside rule is when the French mustard has to be between the teriyaki sauce and the sea salt.
(Juliet Stevenson, Bend it Like Beckham)
- He's a guy, he's alive - what's there to hate?
(Helen Hunt, Girls Just Want to Have Fun)
- Unemployment in this country is caused by pixies. I don't mean the nice, ordinary ones that sit on toadstools playing a whistle. I'm talking about the nasty, evil, malevolent pixies, the tiny green ones with the black pointy beards that go around our factories - and we've all seen them - going around our factories casting the old wicked spells and bringing about mass redundancy to a scale not witnessed since the Great Depression.
(Peter Cook, Whoops Apocalypse)
- Basically, the scheme works like this: Every week 10,000 working people jump off a cliff, thus creating 10,000 new jobs.
(Peter Cook, Whoops Apocalypse)
- I am not sleeping around, I'm...I'm in love.
(Philip Quast, Me & Mrs Jones)
- Look, I'm the Prime Minister, I'm married, I've two wonderful children and I have absolutely no idea where this sentence is going.
(Caroline Goodall, Me & Mrs Jones)
- I'm the Countess of Camões.
- Aah, Camões, the great Portuguese lyric poet!
- He was my husband.
- And you're still in mourning? What devotion; he died in 1580.
(Sophia Loren & David Niven, Lady L)
- Excuse me, do nuns usually wear make-up?
- It's our day off!
(Gedren Heller & Eric Idle, Nuns on the Run)
- You, sailor!
- Cotton, sir.
- Mr. Cotton. Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death? (pause) Mr. Cotton! Answer, man!
- He's a mute, sir. Poor devil had his tongue cut out, so he trained the parrot to talk for him. No one's yet figured how.
- Mr. Cotton's...parrot. Same question.
(Parrot) - Wind in the sails. Wind in the sails.
- Mostly, we figure, that means "yes."
(Johnny Depp & Kevin McNally, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl)
- I want 50% of ye plunder!
- 15!
- 40!
- 25! (pause) ...and I'll buy you the hat! A really BIG one...Commodore.
(Geoffrey Rush & Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl)
- I do not care for the situation.
(Jack Davenport, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl)
- Good heavens! I speak pig!
(Rex Harrison, Dr. Dolittle)
- And do we dress right or left, sir? Most of my gentlemen favour left these days - don't think it's political.
- Never know where the bloody thing is. Bobs about like a windsock.
(Geoffrey Rush & Pierce Brosnan, The Tailor of Panama)
- How does it work?
- What do you mean, "how does it work" - you're the federal treasurer, you run the nation's economy!
- I know, isn't it terrible? I've been the federal treasurer for three years now and people tell me, the press, people in the street, other governments, yourself this afternoon, people keep telling me what a marvellous job I've been doing, but I just don't get it. They keep telling me there are trends, but I can't see them. I keep speaking incomprehensible nonsense in the nation's Parliament and nobody stops me. Nobody.
(Geoffrey Rush & David Wenham, A Little Bit of Soul)
- OK, where are we going next; Harry's school?
- Oh, he can walk from here.
- It's 20 blocks!
- Fresh air'll do you good.
- But what about bullies?
- Run fast.
(Mark Harmon, Jamie Lee Curtis & Ryan Malgarini, Freaky Friday (2003))
- So, let's do this thingie.
- You mean our wedding rehearsal?
- Yeah, whatever.
(Jamie Lee Curtis & Mark Harmon, Freaky Friday (2003))
- Give me the meanest steak you've got. Rare. And I mean rare. Just de-horn it, wipe its butt and send it in.
(William H. Macy, Happy Texas)
- I love to lurk; it's so me!
(Alfred Molina, Dudley Do-Right)
- Vote for Harry S. Solomon! The S stands for know-how.
(French Stewart, 3rd Rock From the Sun (Carsey-Werner))
- Everyday is lesbian lover's day!
(Clea Lewis, Ellen (ABC))
- It's MY ass on the line, so you'd better pull your finger out!
(David Haig, The Thin Blue Line (Tiger Aspect/BBC))
- We're good friends Eddie, we've known each other for a long time,
we can talk. And there is something I have been meaning to
say to you for the last twenty-five years.
- Oh! What's that?
- I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
GO AWAY AND CRAWL AWAY AND DIE IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE, YOU BASTARD!
(Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson, Bottom (Accident) (BBC))
- Neil, is it really necessary to have the light on when you're in the bath?
- Well, yeah.
- Why, what are you planning to do - photosynthesise?
(Rik Mayall and Nigel Planer, The Young Ones (Nasty) (BBC))
- Inside of me, sweetie, inside of me, there is a thin person just screaming to get out!
- Just the one, dear?
(Jennifer Saunders & June Whitfield, Absolutely Fabulous (French & Saunders Productions/BBC))
- Pass me a chocolate starfish off the tree!
- 'Xcuse me, what's the magic word?
- Twat!
(Kathy Burke and James Dreyfus, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme (Tiger Aspect/BBC))
- Gays don't catch!
(Will & Grace (Komut/NBC))
- There's no such thing as "bisexual", it's just greediness!
(Kathy Burke, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme (Tiger Aspect/BBC))
- How can I be a dyke? Look at me; I'm gorgeous!
- Lots of lessies are beautiful, Lindy! Look at...err...
(Kathy Burke and James Dreyfus, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme (Tiger Aspect/BBC))
- Keep your lips tight shut and sit down!
- Bit of a challenge...
(James Dreyfus and Kathy Burke, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme (Tiger Aspect/BBC))
- Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
- Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?
(Prunella Scales and John Cleese, Fawlty Towers - The Hotel Inspectors (BBC))
- Somebody's phoning us, and we don't even have a phone!
- Talk about wrong number!
(Lee Ross and Julia Sawalha, Press Gang (Richmond/ITV))
- Yes, the sexual service that my wife was offering, was inefficient, old-fashioned, cumbersome, and, especially after the birth of our first children, overstretched and with the tendency to too much waste. I decided to contract out my sexual requirements, and put them out for competitive tender in the marketplace. My secretary, Valerie, offered a sexual service that was faster, tighter certainly, more efficient, stream-lined and slimmed-down than my wife's.
(Stephen Fry, A Bit of Fry and Laurie (BBC))
- Oh God, I wish I was gay!
(John Lithgow, 3rd Rock from the Sun (Carsey-Werner))
- Oh, go on - have another Hob-Nob!
- Ooh, you are evil!
(Rik Mayall & Adrian Edmondson, Bottom (BBC))
- Do you keep your employees in line?
- There's been...no evidence of it so far.
(John Spencer & Bradley Whitford, The West Wing (Warner Bros./NBC))
- Well, I do not believe in hitting a child. Mental cruelty is far more effective. Put the clock back an hour so they miss Home and Away. Ooh, that f**ks them up.
(Paul O'Grady, Lily Savage Live: Paying the Rent)
- All I'm saying is who smells worse: The French or the Welsh?
(Angus Deayton, KYTV: Fly on the Walls (BBC))
- Well, Anna has some holiday hints for you now.
- Check to see if your holiday is abroad, as this will inevitably mean a journey overseas. If it is abroad, check to see which country, as many of them speak strangely. If this is the case, you will need a phrase book. If you're going to Spain, we suggest you buy a Spanish one.
(Angus Deayton & Helen Atkinson Wood, KYTV: Get Away with You (BBC))
- Let me explain the basics of time as simply as possible. Now, when the big hand's on 12 and the little hand's on one, then...
- I was rather more thinking of time in the relation to quantum mechanic, relativity, the space-time continuum.
- Well, time and its concomitant internal quantity can be variant in the space in which an action takes place, or the impact of the experience of that action relative to the time taken in its pursuit.
- So when the big hand's at the 12 and the little hand's at the one, that's one o'clock, is it?
- Yes.
- That's very interesting, thank you.
(Philip Pope & Helen Atkinson Wood, KYTV: 2000 'n' Whither? (BBC))
- ...a poisonous monkey...
(Paul Whitehouse, The Fast Show (BBC))
- ...which was nice.
(Mark Williams, The Fast Show (BBC))
- They'd done it before. The Fire of London. Or did you really think that was a happy coincidence in the middle of a plague?
(Philip Quast, Ultraviolet (World Productions/Channel 4))
- This is so exciting. It's like Crouching Dentist, Hidden Rodent!
(Zoë Wanamaker, My Family (BBC))
- I've got a Porsche!
(Emma Thompson, The Young Ones (Bambi) (BBC))
- Neil, the bathroom's free! Unlike the country under the Thatcherite junta.
(Rik Mayall, The Young Ones (BBC))
- Oh, no! I'm being hassled in the street by a chick!
(Nigel Planer, The Young Ones (BBC))
- God, they don't call you Larry The Bastard for nothing, do they?
- No. They call me Ted.
(Ade Admondson & Brian Croucher, Bottom (Parade) (BBC))
- A fate worse than a fate worse than death. That's pretty bad.
(Rowan Atkinson, Black Adder Goes Forth (Private Plane) (BBC))
- Brian? Come back in one piece.
- Yeah.
- You know what piece I mean.
(Julia Deakin & Mark Heap, Spaced (LWT/Channel 4))
- I see my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much "see" as...watch.
(Mark Heap, Spaced (LWT/Channel 4))
- You're scared of mice and spiders, but oh-so-much greater is your fear that one day the two species will cross-breed to form an all-powerful race of mice-spiders who will immobilise human beings in giant webs in order to steal cheese.
(Simon Pegg, Spaced (LWT/Channel 4))
- So, bugger me if it isn't round one, which it is, fortunately, so that's saved me from a rather indignified start.
(Angus Deayton, Have I Got Unbroadcastable News for You (Hat Trick Productions/LWT/BBC))
- Michael Bolton is a man with a long, long rat on his head.
(Eddie Izzard, Have I Got Unbroadcastable News for You (Hat Trick Productions/LWT/BBC))
- My marriage to Alsana was arranged by our respective families in 1946.
- What's taken you so long?
- She wasn't born until 1955.
(Om Puri & Phil Davis, White Teeth (Company Pictures/Channel 4))
- Oh no. What if they have like security cameras in here and they see that we're dropping all the kitchen gadgets in the fish tank?
(Sara Rue, Less Than Perfect (Wass/Stein Productions/Touchstone Television/ABC))
- When you wanna go look for trout, you don't go to the Atlantic Ocean, you go to a...trout place.
(Carson Kressley, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (Scout Productions))
- You'll have to excuse me, Foxy, but I've got to finish a letter to my sister Jessie.
- Oh, that's all right.
- Her leg's gone again.
- Oh. It's bound to turn up somewhere.
(Hilda Breid & Robert Lindsay, Citizen Smith (BBC))
- "Positivt" tycker jag att är ett starkt ord. Jag skulle vilja säga "negativt".
(Henrik Hjelt, Parlamentet (Swedish TV4))
- "Never wear fire for a hat." I dunno what it means, but I read it in a toilet stall once and it stuck with me.
(Tyne Daly, Judging Amy (Hall&Stern/CBS Productions/20th Century Fox))
- I mean, I come to your house, I bring a bottle of wine...
- You brought a policewoman!
- Policewoman, bottle of wine, the point is, I made an effort.
(Dylan Moran & Elizabeth Marmur, Black Books (The Blackout) (Assembly/Channel 4))
- Do you think I should wash my beard?
- I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off. Nail it to a frisbee...and fling it over a rainbow.
(Bill Bailey & Dylan Moran, Black Books (The Big Lockout) (Assembly/Channel 4))
- Everything is covered in filth; look! The whole place is a complete mess! You can't find anything! Right now I'm eating scrambled eggs with a comb from a shoe!
(Bill Bailey, Black Books (Grapes of Wrath) (Assembly/Channel 4))
- Well, I'm joined now by our Norwegian colleague, Oivind Vinstra, who's kindly agreed to tell us about the joy of holidaying in Norway. So, what is there to do there?
- Well, Mike, there's basically ettospart, mattamuder and hoddslagen.
- They're popular, are they?
- They're very popular, Mike, I believe, yes.
- And what about in the evenings?
- Well, in the evening there's ettospart and mattamuder.
- No hoddslagen?
- Well, you wouldn't do that in the evening, would you, Mike?
- No, I suppose not. What about for the children?
- For the children there's supervised ettospart.
- Mattamuder?
- Don't think the children are ready for that, Mike.
- No. Pardon my ignorance, Oivind, but what exactly is ettospart?
- Well, ettospart is, err, well it's very hard to describe, Mike, but essentially it's two people sitting down and reading a book.
- And mattamuder?
- Is whipping people around the genitalia with birch twigs.
- Right, well thank you very much, Oivind, or manga takk as I believe you say.
- Ah, manga takk e tusen takk for your hardaball by a gore por Nora e Lillehammer e Trondheim.
- Yes. Thank you.
(Angus Deayton & Geoffrey Perkins, KYTV (Get Away with You) (BBC))
- Why did I lock the door, why did you lock the door?
(Katie Finneran, Noises Off (NYC stage version))
- Sorry?
(Katie Finneran, Noises Off (NYC stage version))
- Any birthdays? [pause] Doesn't have to be today...
(T.R. Knight, Noises Off (NYC stage version))
- I don't know. I don't care.
(Alan Rickman, Private Lives (NYC stage version 2002))
- And there's a moral to this story...or at least there was supposed to be a moral, but because I'm dyslexic, it is in fact...a marble.
(Eddie Izzard, Definite Article (stand-up))
From the 2003 Golden Globes Awards:
Richard Gere - I don't win anything. I never win a thing. (He'd just received the award for best actor in a musical/comedy)
Sharon Stone (When Richard Gere is trying to find his acceptance speech, other notes come out of his pocket, and she picks one of these up) - You're gonna need this when you bring the tux back.
Kim Cattrall (of Sex and the City fame) - You have no idea how many men I've had to sleep with to get this award.
Nicole Kidman (on all the great parts for actresses last year) - Please keep writing for us, 'cause we're very interesting.
Jamie Lee Curtis - I'm having an Anne Bancroft moment.
